Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”