Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me when someone tries to get to know me
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.