@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

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@fro_vo

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

@Getnosexual

I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…

@VeganZebra

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

@IamEveryDayPpl

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.