Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

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[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen


I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.


My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?


One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks


Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no


I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…


The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible


I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.