Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Thrilling chase underway
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?