Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.