I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Liquor Store Parking
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue