Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Guys, I found it.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary