Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today