Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Worm Regards”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.