Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?