Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
is it earth
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?