Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.