excuse me
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Whisper out to librarians!
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday