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@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

@WheelTod

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

@juliussharpe

I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@smiles_and_nods

My kids have been training for the Summer Olympics by pole vaulting over the items left on the stairs. Suck it Russia.

@better_off_dad

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S