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Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.


“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake


Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.


interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes


Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.


There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.


9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?


Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend


Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.