You Might Also Like


My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.


Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark


I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.


I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30


Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.


You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women


My kids have been training for the Summer Olympics by pole vaulting over the items left on the stairs. Suck it Russia.


13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S