@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

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@boynadomama

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

@HumanPog

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP