Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions


If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.


Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last


When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.


Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…