Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
MASSEUSE: just relax
ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.