Please let me in.. 馃槀
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Why does body wash have directions, it鈥檚 literally the name
My mispronunciation of French words is a touch茅 subject.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn鈥檛 want to be judged, so I鈥檓 tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Passed by a old school Math example today.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I鈥檓 won鈥檛 try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?