If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You Might Also Like
got so much cardio in today
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order