My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE