@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

@PhilJamesson

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@Tmoney68

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@Mostly_Cheese

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

@El_nacho_Nigre

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE