@theshantilly
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
@kidnapped_jesus
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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@theshantilly
@Traceykemp8
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
@ThatMummyLife
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
@OusaMedousa
Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.
Me: Mmm?
N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.
M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.
N:
M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.
@internetluke
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
@TheToddWilliams
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
@Cryptoterra
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
@imogenjayy
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
@jmooallem
In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.
@hellohappy_time
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this