@kidnapped_jesus

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

You Might Also Like

@theshantilly

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

@Traceykemp8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@OusaMedousa

Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.

N:

M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.

@internetluke

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

@TheToddWilliams

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

@Cryptoterra

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@jmooallem

In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.

@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this