Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
pelicons
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
why no one uses midhusbands
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.