@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

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@Home_Halfway

I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.

@shutupmikeginn

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

@WilliamAder

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

@AdamSerwer

In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.