“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.