Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

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I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.


Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?


7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?


I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.


In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.


I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.


at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer


Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.


Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.