@captainkalvis

executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot

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@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@VanGobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@Cheeseboy22

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@ItsAndyRyan

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

@Eagle_Vision

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.