So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
executioner: any last words
me: yes, I wish murder was legal
my genie: [appears] your wish is my command
executioner: you’re free to go
me: [getting up] haha hell yes
executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot
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Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: I want McDonald’s
Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Mom: I want grandkids
Me: Do you have grandkids money??
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.