Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
“That’s what” – She
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY