added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
can I use a minion as a tampon
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
spicy snake
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers