Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy