Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.


Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks


I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.


customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you


The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective


Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her


Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.


Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.


Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.


I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.