Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
sry
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.