HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.