EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.