EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone


I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.


I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.


[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.


Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.


I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.


It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.