@rockymomax

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

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@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@OutrageousM

I like playing with my dog when I’m high. Because I don’t have one when I’m sober.

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

@DanielJHannan

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

@HeyZeus666

I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.

@040204Lawson

It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.