Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.


I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.


You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.


Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.


CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this


I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one


Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?