@SortaBad

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

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@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

@mrjohndarby

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?