@SortaBad

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

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@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?

@fro_vo

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores