Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.


First Date:

“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”

Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.


Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea



Me: I have a crazy idea


I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break


Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow


ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work


Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet


Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]



I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.