Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”
Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.
Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea
I got fired today
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.