Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My life in a nutshell
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
That’s fair
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I have never related to anyone more.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: