Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.
5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores