EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
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step 6: release the wall snake
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.