DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.