Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.


14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen


MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—


Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.


Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.


*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”


Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich


-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!