@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

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@_Water_Baby

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@theSolemnBard

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

@Mom_Overboard

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@ArfMeasures

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!