Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
You Might Also Like
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Flock of bats
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.