Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.


angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf


Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.


My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”


(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?


5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath


DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons


Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”


I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.