Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You Might Also Like
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.