Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.