@Elizasoul80

*exercises sarcastically*

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@Staggfilms

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

@PinkCamoTO

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

@3sunzzz

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@TinaraMinus10

DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!

-and other things I hear from guys on first dates

@wolfpupy

cat: mew
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*

@behindyourback

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@DrDogMD

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?