Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!
-and other things I hear from guys on first dates
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?