*exercises sarcastically*
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
“What?”
– Jude
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”