Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

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If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”


A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please


Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.


Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.


Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison


A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?


*takes ambien


You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.


Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself