[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.