*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.