[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police