Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.


My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.


[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.


Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.


The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.


A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.


Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.


Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.


CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher