Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus