EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

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PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?


Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.


ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on


I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.


If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.


“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”




Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.