@alextranquada

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

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@NoTheOtherJohn

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

@CantWaitToNap

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@o__0Dev

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

@AngryRaccoon2

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@acakes421

My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.

@robknepper

“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”

“Staples?”

“No….Paperclips.”

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.