EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Stop.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
#DesignFail
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.