Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
…u ok Nintendo?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”