Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.