[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My kitchen overserved me.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.