@Staggfilms

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

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@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@BunAndLeggings

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

@JenAshleyWright

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

@fart

if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas

@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@VoNwosu

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.