[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

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[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.


“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”


Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days


she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty


To whom it may concern,
If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.