@Staggfilms

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

You Might Also Like

@harvardgraduat

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@maxi_tea

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

@Sickayduh

“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@michaeldean81

To whom it may concern,
If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.