[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.


[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.


One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.


if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas


21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”


My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?


When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?


Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.


Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.