@AnnietheNanny1

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

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@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@LizHackett

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

@TheBoydP

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

@wolfpupy

making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.

@MandiAtRandom

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?

@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

@bacon_gillepic

Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.