“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Doctors texting each other.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”