@JaneBadall

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

- @JaneBadall

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@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@ArfMeasures

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

@amselts

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*