“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Weirdly Wednesday.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me