You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.