I have an on/off relationship with all of my light switches.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me