“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish


My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.


Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me