@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

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@MadelnCanada

You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@DadandBuried

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

@david8hughes

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.