@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

- @Jerk_Martin

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@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

@stealingyergirl

[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@nachosarah

if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@drunktweets81

I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share