“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
This took me a second..
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.