If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
cyclists
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.