[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle


Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.


I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.


So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so


Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.


carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:


carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?


[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?


Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.


Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good


Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!