[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.


Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa


If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.


3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.


I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.



ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.


I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.