Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
an airline just for babies.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”