experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Important
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”