*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If only.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.